@gordonshumway's (Jelisa Castrodale) most faved Tweets...
Doctor: "While you're on this medication, you'll need to use an alternate form of birth control."
Me: "Other than my personality?"
Me: "Other than my personality?"
The fact that I just stained my running shoes with Hershey syrup should tell you everything you need to know about my current fitness level.
When your mother asks if you are sexually active, the correct response is not "No, I just lie there."
Thank you, iPhone predictive text, for sending my mother a message that said "WOOOOFUCKYEAH!" There's no joke here except I'm 30 & grounded.
Hello, hot guy in the gin aisle. I see you also like buying booze at 10:45 am. Why don't you come over & introduce your issues to my issues?
For Halloween, I'm going to be a 30 year old woman who's at home alone watching Lifetime movies & crying. But the sexy version of that.
Just threw away my McGriddle wrapper at Whole Foods. The staff would've been less horrified if I'd discarded a dead hooker instead.
From now on, instead of saying I'm not in the mood, I'm just going to hold up a sign that says "Embedding Disabled By Request."
The doctor just described my breasts as "unremarkable." Apparently she's talked to every guy I've ever dated.
I started my Kirstie Alley diet today. You have a healthy shake for breakfast, a healthy shake for lunch & then nine or ten sensible dinners
I always get chloroform confused with chlorophyll. This guy I kidnapped is awake and angry but his leaves have never been more lush.
Saw a movie last night. The full title was "It's Complicated But A Post-Menopausal Meryl Streep Is Somehow Having More Sex Than You Are".
When planning a traditional New Year's meal, remember that ham symbolizes prosperity, greens mean money & black eyed peas represent my humps
Two Duraflame logs. A box of Milk Bones. A bottle of Astroglide. Try to figure me out, Walgreens cashier. Just try.
I'm going to start using wind chill logic to describe my own body. "Although it's 30, it's gonna feel like it's 23."
I'm less offended by David Letterman banging his staff members than I am by Jay Leno's continued employment.
Much like your inflatable holiday decorations, I look presentable at night but stay in a crumpled unattractive heap during the day.
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