If you haven't lost followers you're not tweeting hard enough.

You, over there, with the face. Fuck you.

You're funny on Twitter but I'd sell my house if you moved in next door.

If my Twitter crush doesn't up his game he's going to miss out on the best unfullfilling, sexless and frustrating relationship of his life.

My 7yo autistic son is brushing my hair, telling me it feels like silk and kissing it. My heart just exploded.

I've been waiting my whole beer to meet a guy like you.

Isn't all Mexican food essentially one recipe, just wrapped up in different shapes?

Oh I get it. I'm the kind of girl you starfuck but don't RT? Story of my life.

I'm always amazed at the number of girls here hoochiefying themselves to try and impress guys they'd normally taze in real life.

I find it remarkable that strangers on Twitter can be kinder to me than people who've had their fingers inside my vagina.

The egos on here! It's like "stand back while I ejaculate all over your timeline!".

You know that sexy girl you're flirting with? It won't be long before she's as bored of the idea of having sex with you as your wife is.

I'm telling you guys now, favstar eats your soul. Beware!

If I star or RT you I either think you're clever or cute. If I regularly do both chances are I've photocopied your avi onto my tampons.

Look at you with your pretty hair and your girl next door good looks and your 20-somethingness. Bitch.

You haven't starred me in so long it's like you don't even want to fuck me any more.

Remember back in the 90s when everyone shagged to Enigma? That was just me? How embarrassing...

I know my dad will love my boyfriend because he's successful, clever and kind. I'll leave out the part about him wanting to pee on me.

The biggest mistake I ever made was that time I decided you were worth it.

Just because I'm not shouting it from the motherfucking rooftops doesn't mean I'm not doing it, quietly, with dignity. Now fuck off.