You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.

Sorry, I'm really bad with names when I don't care.

Twitter should really come up with a "Temporarily hide user's tweets until user gets their shit together" button.

Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.

You sound depressing, followed.

Twitter: How the fuck anybody gets anything done is a mystery.

Twitter is like a confessional booth, except without the leering eyes of a sexual predator.

Congratulations on graduating community college! Alright let's practice, I'll ask for a fish filet combo with a sprite, now what do you say?

Do not act like you know me. I don't even fucking know me.

Some of you just need to meet, fuck, block, and get it over with.

You were born in 1993. Please shut the fuck up about the 90's.

Seriously, coming up with tweets is as difficult as deciding which child to leave at a Kmart.

You're white, cut it out. Even black people don't act that black.

Whenever somebody says "guess what", I throw out 200 random guesses really fast then yell BOO in their face because fuck this game.

I throw Barbies in the microwave to see if Ken will save them. He never does. He does wave and smile though.

There's no fucking way you were raised by humans.

It's not "fudge" it's fuck. Grow up.

If a suicide line has blocked your number, you pretty much know where you stand.

Unless you're a cocksucker, stop using this emoticon :O

When you can sing like Adele can, then you can call her fat. Till then shut your mouth.