Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
Stop signs must be bored out of their minds.
Welcome to Foot Locker, can I help you? "Hi, can I try this shoe on in *gets erection* this size please?" All the shoes throw dollar bills.
I'm a one man marching band for poodles everywhere.
Excuse me ma'am, somebody spat on your shoe. *spits on woman's shoe* She exclaims in gratitude and gives me candy.
If Demi Moore is looking for me, tell her she can find me hiding inside my mattress playing tic-tac-toe with the bedbugs.
Bears worldwide have teamed up with Condoleezza Rice to take down enemy #1: Goldilocks.
Kids in the hood play pogs with stolen hubcaps.
Professional career counselors know diddly-squat about being a Swiffer.
This baby can crawl through broken glass unscathed! Level 1 complete! Level 2: baby parkour.
All this talk about Pac-man and not enough about Paki-man.
Yes Drake, you truly are at the top now. Of the ferris wheel. *Drake howls*
Just heard a woman in the maternity ward gave birth to a twin fedoras.
Sir what do you think you are doing??! *Points to bed pan. Points to bathing suit. A wink. A smile. Goes swimming.* Nurses head explodes.
If you plan on visiting England, wear something stupid on your head, like a garage door hat or a toilet seat cover. They love that shit.
"Your honour, I was dressed as a bee so I technically stung them instead of stabbed them." Hmmm, you make a compelling point. MISTRIAL.
Tom Cruise just hangs out at furniture stores now.
Your goat can read? So, whose can't? *buys pet goat, gets it hooked on phonics*
Sitting in a forest laughing at Lisa while Joelle draws a painting of us.