Stop signs must be bored out of their minds.

Welcome to Foot Locker, can I help you? "Hi, can I try this shoe on in *gets erection* this size please?" All the shoes throw dollar bills.

@silverbreezey Thanks very much Breeze!

I'm a one man marching band for poodles everywhere.

Excuse me ma'am, somebody spat on your shoe. *spits on woman's shoe* She exclaims in gratitude and gives me candy.

If Demi Moore is looking for me, tell her she can find me hiding inside my mattress playing tic-tac-toe with the bedbugs.

Bears worldwide have teamed up with Condoleezza Rice to take down enemy #1: Goldilocks.

@tarttweet ha!

@fuckinmorons These fine people are class acts. Thanks! @the_separatist_ @sveldtsmelt @harbingerr

Kids in the hood play pogs with stolen hubcaps.

Professional career counselors know diddly-squat about being a Swiffer.

This baby can crawl through broken glass unscathed! Level 1 complete! Level 2: baby parkour.

All this talk about Pac-man and not enough about Paki-man.

Yes Drake, you truly are at the top now. Of the ferris wheel. *Drake howls*

Just heard a woman in the maternity ward gave birth to a twin fedoras.

Sir what do you think you are doing??! *Points to bed pan. Points to bathing suit. A wink. A smile. Goes swimming.* Nurses head explodes.

If you plan on visiting England, wear something stupid on your head, like a garage door hat or a toilet seat cover. They love that shit.

"Your honour, I was dressed as a bee so I technically stung them instead of stabbed them." Hmmm, you make a compelling point. MISTRIAL.

Tom Cruise just hangs out at furniture stores now.

Your goat can read? So, whose can't? *buys pet goat, gets it hooked on phonics*