When I get a dog, I'm naming it "Bucket" so I can yell "Come Bucket!"

I hate when the cops throw me in the back of the squad car like they didn't hear me call shotgun.

Cops: "Please step out of the car" Me: "I can't. I'm drunk. You get in."

Can I still bring sexy back if I ripped the tags off?

You know you're hot when you can foward the same sext message to at least three people.

Dear Gingers, It could be worse.

Sincerely, Albinos

CTRL + ALT + DEFEAT

I wouldn't have to manage my anger if people learned how to manage their stupidity.

Water into wine? I just turned my paycheck into vodka. Your move, Jesus.

Wait, is this one of those bridges I cross or burn?

Crushing men's dreams one free dinner at a time.

I'll have tequila if you promise to hold me later when I cry.

I'm just a girl, standing in front of a mustache, asking for a ride.

Stranger with a black eye is trying to talk to me. But I'm not going to respond cause it's pretty apparent she doesn't listen.

I'll breast feed anything.

My g spot is located on my snooze button.

Charlotte paralyzed by 4" of snow. Or, as they call it in Minnesota, Monday.

I love the snow. Some of my best friends are flakes.

Just changed all my passwords to "incorrect". So now my computer wins either way.

I hate waiting in lines. Hurry up and pick a suspect already.