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When I get a dog, I'm naming it "Bucket" so I can yell "Come Bucket!"
I hate when the cops throw me in the back of the squad car like they didn't hear me call shotgun.
Cops: "Please step out of the car" Me: "I can't. I'm drunk. You get in."
Can I still bring sexy back if I ripped the tags off?
You know you're hot when you can foward the same sext message to at least three people.
Dear Gingers, It could be worse.
CTRL + ALT + DEFEAT
I wouldn't have to manage my anger if people learned how to manage their stupidity.
Water into wine? I just turned my paycheck into vodka. Your move, Jesus.
Wait, is this one of those bridges I cross or burn?
Crushing men's dreams one free dinner at a time.
I'll have tequila if you promise to hold me later when I cry.
I'm just a girl, standing in front of a mustache, asking for a ride.
Stranger with a black eye is trying to talk to me. But I'm not going to respond cause it's pretty apparent she doesn't listen.
I'll breast feed anything.
My g spot is located on my snooze button.
Charlotte paralyzed by 4" of snow. Or, as they call it in Minnesota, Monday.
I love the snow. Some of my best friends are flakes.
Just changed all my passwords to "incorrect". So now my computer wins either way.
I hate waiting in lines. Hurry up and pick a suspect already.
Self-proclaimed super hero. I'll have my entrepreneur call your entrepreneur. We'll do lunch.