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Posting a "privacy notice" status on Facebook is like trying to prevent an oncoming bear attack by filling a restraining order on the bear.
How do we know Dr. Pepper isn't a woman?
My own girlfriend unfollowed me on twitter because I talk too much about bootleg Pokemon games. I ain't even mad.
"The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else's highlight reel" -Steven Furtick
I heard the AOL "You've got mail" sound on this guys computer next to me. and I swear I had the computer equivalent of a Nam flashback.
The awkward when your brain adds the word "moment" even though its not actually there.
To all those who's birthdays are around this week, just take a note: Valentine's Day was roughly 9 months ago. Sorry to bring that up.
Apple could even come out with an iPhone 4SS and people will still go "well shit, this one has a better speaker, I just gotta have it"
If you say "my cocaine" you're also saying "Michael Caine" in his own voice. I'm flabbergasted.
New reports found the teenage birth rate is at a record low. Good, because it's real creepy when kids are born as fully developed teenagers.
Congress says pizza sauce is a vegetable. next thing you know oreo creme will be considered dairy and taco bell an official laxative drug
Why didn't we name species of animals by what sound they make like in Pokemon? Wouldn't it make more sense to have a pet woof or meow?
Instead of job title, I'm gonna judge how useful my future business degree will be solely on how many "Dilbert" comics I actually understand
Whoever says something is easy as pie has obviously never made pie. Maybe next time say it's easy as toast, or maybe pre-cooked dinners.
How is it we can count millions of votes and decide a President within the same night but it takes four days to grade my accounting exam?
Some people are born on third base and go through life thinking they hit a triple.
I hate it when I open a bag of air and there are chips at the bottom
YES, IT FINALLY HAPPENED! Guy in front of me in MBI opened up his computer to the porn he forgot to close last night. I can die happy now.
Favorite Bane quote from Dark Knight Rises: "mufuwuh fumuhwhuh mu fu hufuwuh". Superb writing.
Arguing politics is like trying to tell someone their baby isn't cute.
Graham is confused, do I write this bio in first person or third person?