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You went from "handsome" to "dead to me" with the utterance of "my boyfriend said..."
I hate when people board the elevator, effectively interfering with my dance performances.
It helps to scream your demons out in your parked car before heading into to the office.
A guy is totally in love with me. He hasn't said it yet, but it was totally in his platonic handshake.
My current cause is finding the right stuff to lean on.
There was a lot of commotion at my place that time I figured out how to work a wrench.
Trying to get my life together, one app update at a time.
Welp, I've reached an age where I get to ask, "What in the fuck did I eat to give me THAT kind of gas?"
I fuck like a 20yr old but recover from a night out like I'm 80.
Trying to find the right person to add as an "emergency contact" makes you realize just how useless most of your friends are.
I feel like we should really be embracing fringe a lot more, as a society.
There's just some things "I'm sorry" won't fix.
I legit had two squirrels trying hook up in front of my gawd damn window and I didn't need that kind of reminder that I'm all alone in life.
At this point in my bachelorhood, I'm surviving off periodically stuffing my face full of no less than 20 or so granola bars.
Missed garbage day by only 1 day, improving as a single bachelor.
I even doubled my productivity by tossing last week's garbage too!
Thought about giving up booze or whoring for Lent.
Going with fast food instead.
Jesus would totally understand.
Drinking alone in your own place while Netflixing in your pjs on a Sunday is my idea of successful adulting.
An international man of mystery with a constant yearning to boogie down. snapchat: grammar_cunt
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