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Missed garbage day by only 1 day, improving as a single bachelor.
I even doubled my productivity by tossing last week's garbage too!
Thought about giving up booze or whoring for Lent.
Going with fast food instead.
Jesus would totally understand.
Drinking alone in your own place while Netflixing in your pjs on a Sunday is my idea of successful adulting.
All the clocks/watches in my home have stopped. I choose to let that symbolize being stuck in a moment in time and not my lack of batteries.
This morning is part magic and part "I spilled coffee all over the place."
I hope that whenever I meet my demise, I'm quietly reflecting on what matters to me the most: hair & Madonna.
He's good-looking, in a "dead behind the eyes" kinda way.
My one regret in life is not being able to successfully pirouette away from arguments.
Life is meant to be lived and certain moments best remembered in your heart--not from your shitty cell phone camera.
I have no exit strategy for my current hair style.
Going through my closet and thinking, "I should really find a new job. All the losers at work have seen all my cute outfits."
I feel emotions and pose accordingly.
I'll thank you not to step into my light while I'm dramatically staring off into the distance over here.
"I fail to see how that gets me closer to nachos."
- me, responding to any of your life choices.
My humanitarian effort takes the form of not supporting any Kardashian noise.
Why are we still struggling with your/you're and to/two/too?
This must be what leads us to the path of dystopia.
An international man of mystery with a constant yearning to boogie down. snapchat: grammar_cunt
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