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My downward spiral into madness would look so pretty dangling in the wind or whatever.
My mother often drives me to drink, but I'm not complaining cos booze.
I would be down to go to a strip club but only if I was assured the girls would be like Elizabeth Berkely in Showgirls--down to the routines
I think I either rode an elevator today with a haggard-looking Famke Janssen or a trans woman who look like a haggard-looking Famke Janssen.
An open letter to my ex:
Would it kill you to just die already?
Is there gonna be booze at this thing or should I pack a flask?
-question I ask before committing to family functions
Thank you, people who send group texts.
I love feeling special and the added bonus of random numbers replying to me.
I'm a horrible person and I just want pizza.
Simplicity is comforting.
I reserve the right to avoid eye contact with strangers at all costs. Prevents any awkward hellos or accidental falling in love at 1st sight
Romance is great until they won't leave at least 10 minutes after you've orgasmed.
Really wondering if Prince William's baldness is any consolation to any of the whores he banged and didn't marry.
Lost a good friend today. In my defense, she described my hair as lackluster.
Being a good friend means listening to all your stupid stories until you finally shut up and let me bang you.
Really thinking I should switch careers and go into consulting.
I could charge by the eye roll.
An international man of mystery with a constant yearning to boogie down.
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