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I called your newborn baby ugly in the most objective manner possible.
When I originally set my fitness goals, I forgot to take into account all the heavy sighing I do.
Described myself as a rockstar this morning for doing well in life...and later I got my own piss on my slacks.
Seems like I'm doing it right
Classiness, thy name is gin drink on a school night.
These days I measure my success by how long it takes me to walk around before noticing the tags on my sweater are sticking out.
MOM, HAVE YOU SEEN MY JEWEL CD?? I REALLY NEED TO LOOK SOMBER TODAY.
Walking tall & confidently...till I see someone. Then it's more of a zig-zaggy feet & hunched over situation.
We both know damn well who is going to eat all this food I just ordered, drive thru attendant.
Extra ranch, please. Hold the judgement.
I don't get why I'm single if I'm all for this "friends first" crap.
Attractive friends, of course.
Walking around thinking you lookin all cute, not realizing something's out of place and others are recoiling in horror while shunning you.
I CAN'T HELP BEING A REPEATY OLD BROAD BUT IS IT COOL IF I TELL YOU ABOUT THE TIME I LISTENED TO THE SPICE GIRLS?
Cat just rubbed his ass across the carpet while maintaining eye contact with me.
Yeah, that's how my day's going.
Was unintentionally walking around with dried gelato in my beard cos why pretend like I'm even trying any more?
An international man of mystery with a constant yearning to boogie down.