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You can order a "vodka/pineapple" but not a "pineapple/vodka."
Seriously, the bartender will literally have no idea what you're saying.
I need someone funny to handle my social media accounts while I devote more time to more important work.
Like, I dunno, learning crochet?
I really should stop drinking on school nights.
Doesn't mean I plan to stop any time soon.
Dating status: wondering if we're close enough yet to say, "don't finger me unless you want to get sprayed in the face."
You're stuck in my head like a song I want to hear that's never going to be played again.
No matter the angle, you still look like an asshole.
*Tries to look cool while brushing muffin crumbs off the car seat.*
Shaky hands from all the boozing, yet shaky when not boozing.
This is my adulthood now.
She puts the TWENTY MILLION HASHTAGS in confidence.
When you find that magical position in your pillows to bury your head in and everything that isn't that can go fuck itself.
That time I tried to upstage my cast mates during a shitty-as-fuck grade school production of Charlie & the Chocolate Factory. I WAS A STAR
Social media unfortunately made too many people believe they are interesting.
Some jaywalkers just aren't attractive enough to slow down for.
Invite love into your life and it will come.
It may not be true love all the time, but it will cause you to live your life.
That one Valentine's day he chose to spend with his friends and then "make up for it" by coming home late, drunk & reeking of cigarettes.
Fuck everything that isn't me drinking right now.
When you run out of mixer and the store is too far from bed and WHY IS MY LIFE SO TRAGIC?!
I look at you as fondly as I do my neighbors whom I politely ignore at all costs.
An international man of mystery with a constant yearning to boogie down.