Here's the difference to me: Barack Obama's story is only possible in America. Mitt Romney's story is possible in Game of Thrones.

"Hahaha nice" = "get me out of this conversation"

In a way, my face is like my dick's periscope.

Okay what if Andre 3000 met a cat instead of Big Boi and they were called OutKatz and they sang "Hey Meow" and no one was ever sad what if?

50% of marriages end in divorce. 100% of the pizza I eat is delicious. Case closed.

To me, the most impressive thing about Batman is he never once turns to Alfred and says "Seriously, would you tell me if I looked stupid?"

MTV announced a new show today: Teen Dad. If it's anything like real teen dads, this will be the last we ever hear of it. #stillgotit

You actually don't have to wait until people die to be nice to people, y'know.

Deep down, all liberals believe conservatives would see the error of their ways if only they listened to cooler bands.

There is a fourth Scream movie coming out, but it isn't called Scream 4: Ice Cream, so who cares.

I'm gonna live off the land. Hunt my own breakfast burritos and grow my own lattes. Just like my forefathers would ew a bug.

She was breaking up with me, and no matter how many donuts I did in the parking lot, I was never winning her back.

NFL lockout; government shutdown; Glenn Beck canceled. There's a particular guy in a particular recliner right now holding on for dear life.

"I think that baby lost a contact." - a thing I can't wait to say next time I see a baby crawling around.

Impressing a girl is difficult, especially after being visibly startled by a mannequin.

Weird how pro-lifers still celebrate birthdays and not conceptiondays.

The most effective method of birth control is the pull-out mattress.

I want a girl who's a Tia in the streets, and a Tamara in the sheets.

I want the Supreme Court to announce their decision by changing their profile pictures one at a time.

A woman can stare at any part of her body and think, "some idiot wants to put jizzum on that" and she would be correct.