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My sex life is now like #StarWars: The last 3 were so bad I forget ever liking the originals.
It doesn't matter where you live; home is any place you can masturbate with your guard down #thesumofmyknowledge
Finally got my own apartment; I haven't been this naked in years.
The #KatyPerryMovie better answer the big question: If Led Zeppelin were really that good, how come they weren’t ridiculously good looking?
So basically, an ALT comic is just someone who can't have a normal conversation off stage?
"Cars", you know? "Rage incubators"
Tell me if my little dog barking scares anyone in the hallway, it would mean the world to him.
"If the idea of staying together forever is an impossibility, I can't imagine making this mistake with anyone but you." -realistic vows
Big News, I'm going to be part of @topstoryweekly this Sunday! http://www.meetup.com/ALL-Comedy-Fans/events/221878940/ … @iowest
Ladies, as a man with no almost standards, if shorts with pockets hanging out the bottom dont do it for me, they don't do it for anyone.
Could you stop referring to it as my 'little diddy?' Thanks.
I'm sorry, but Mama is still insisting I knock you out...
A man at the urnal next to me just farted, then said "oh, whats up baby" to the fart. He's a million times the man I will ever be.
If you love something, let it go. It was clawing to get away from you anyway.
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