Curiosity doesn't kill anything, stupidity does.

I don't date on the first fuck.

Love is like a unicorn. I don't have a unicorn.

Don't send a hand to do a tongue's job.

Twitter is the second place, after my head, where I have total freedom of speech.

Those who look the strongest hide the deepest wounds.

I would walk on Lego for you.

A good tweet is often wasted on the wrong audience.

It's called high school because that's when they discover weed.

Every solid Twitter relationship should start with a good starfuck.

Last night, a thief snuck into my house. He was looking for money. I chose not to call the police and started looking with him, instead.

Twitter elite are like politicians.

People follow them blindly and many things they say get more validation than they actually deserve.

You think getting me is hard? Try keeping me...

Growing up does not mean losing your inner child, it means strengthening the armor around it.

Cleopatra used to bathe in milk, Napoleon in champagne. I bathe in my own goddamn ignorance.

Friends are there for you as long as your happiness doesn't upset them; beyond this line, you're on your own.

In a gay couple, who makes the sandwich after sex?

I hate tight pussies! - No man, ever.

High heels, because you always need something to shove down his throat.

We're all a bunch of sick fucks, you do know that, right?