Looks like the only thing that blacks out more than me are the Buffalo Bills.

I hope Milan Lucic gets HIV.

"I maul out of love" - Bear Supply

Is swine flu still a thing? Hurry, I need a good excuse to call in sick to work.

If god really did exist, Tim Tebow would pull a knife out of his shoulder pads and stab Tom Brady in the heart with it.

You guys call it alcoholism, I like to call it a "European lifestyle"

Scott Hartnell deserves to be drowned in a bathtub of his own urine.

When I'm smoking and someone says "those things will kill ya" all I can think about is how much I wish cigarettes were made of knives.

People that say "knock knock" instead of actually knocking are the reason I drink.

Bought one of those rugs that goes by the toilet. In other words I bought a new pillow and blanket.

Sorry boss, too busy watching John Scott concuss Shawn Thornton on loop to do any "real" work  http://youtu.be/bAJcnDsu4nE  #sabres

I'm afraid of Jay-Z's wife. There I said it.

Hockey is back hockey is back hockey is back hockey is back hockey is back hockey is back hockey is back hockey is back hockey is back!

So far my favorite Sandy memory is teaching my coworkers how to use the weather channel website.

Help! Will this work? "Hey boss, sorry I'm late I just had to transfer these Indian reservation cigarettes into a Marlboro box."

I was gonna go for a run today but then I ate some beef jerky and found some left over whiskey and remembered running is for criminals.

A more accurate name for "Draw Something" would be "All My Friends Are Fat-Fingered Racists"

If my house was made of cheese I'd be homeless so quick.

I wish Boston was like China where they limit the number of times you can procreate.

Most of the time when I get out of bed it's only because I have to pee and can't afford a new mattress.