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You know, some of you are actually quite attractive. If I didn't read your timelines I'd have no idea why you were single.
If you didn't want anal you shouldn't have passed out. I don't make up the rules!
Fuck Prozac. Write me a prescription for money.
People who say "you never get a second chance to make a good first impression" clearly doesn't understand how alcohol works.
Friend of mine is obviously feeling suicidal again, but she has this pool table I want so I've got mixed feelings about talking her down.
Just ate a doughnut off the end of my umbrella. My bucket list is getting shorter and shorter.
Dear straight guys, on behalf of gays everywhere I'd like to thank you for your support.
Now lose the fucking gay-ass rainbows.
I've found if you wake up screaming I WANT MY MOMMY!!! Your one night stand problem tends to take care of itself. Winning!
I definitely liked our conversation better when my dick was in your mouth.
Women love guys with nice cars, nice bank accounts and big dicks.
So you might want to work on your personality.
Great talk dad. But I don't need lectures, I need refills.
This asshole keeps staring at me, but he's using last year's iPad like a goddamn street urchin so I just assume he wants spare change.
I think the real question is: How the fuck is Snooki going to keep that baby from just falling right out of her war zone of a vagina?
Hey straight guys who can't convince a girl to do anal.
What's-his-face is so damn cute getting all comfy after sex. It's like he has no idea I'm about to kick his ass the fuck out of my house.
I'll totally walk up to a hot chick & play with her titties. Then flip off every straight guy in the room. How's that gay joke treatin' ya?
Titanic? AGAIN?!? I'd rather shove a brillo pad up my dick hole.
I'm so cold right now my penis is normal-sized. How do you people live like this?
My buddy just accused me of drinking all his booze which is a total lie! I merely liberated it from the grip of his tyranny.
Goddammit! Why do I always have to be the one to shove drugs up my ass when the cops pull us over? My friends suck!
Just trying to think of a reason why I shouldn't just murder everyone.