These motherfuckers got me drinking beer out of a can like a goddamn slave! See if I come over & drink all their beer again. Racist pricks!

Sure you can use my toothbrush. Just throw it out afterwards. I'd rather the taste of my butthole remain a mystery.

What's the rule again? Do you yell "SUPRISE" before or after anal? LoL JK! I'll send a text message. 

Promised my aunt I’d go to church with her for some vodka-induced reason. If you don’t hear from me I burst into flames.

Not much. Just standing over my passed out friend, trying to decide which inanimate object to shove up his ass before taking a pic. You?

I post a pic of my lips & now my friends stare like they've never seen them before. This ain't freshman year. No free blowies, assholes.

Beautiful people:
<---AVI CHANGE
I need to be less conspicuous for the time being.

Ugly people, mind your fucking business.

So serious question you guys: How do you know if there's a gerbil stuck up your butt? No rush.

My nephew would not STFU about the 5th grade graduation speech he gave as class president until I told him his parents are getting divorced.

Saw Prometheus last night & Michael Fassbender didn’t show his cock even once. Worst movie ever!