All ive ever wanted is to fly around in a helicopter with the t mobile girl

wait, do we not get election day off?

"500 dead penguins something something something" - CNN news ticker, the reigning world champion in making people sad for no reason

Graduate degree in "making your chair make a fart noise by accident"

JUST SAW A SQUIRREL CRUSH A 360 BACKFLIP ONTO A LOG.

...when the moon is a crooked cheshire cat grin tugging at the mouth of the sky...

ordering from the terpzone subway is like playing telephone, except whatever the person says at the end of telephone, you have to eat that.

#famouslastwords: "there's no such thing as a sharktopus"

My power and internet are still out and the party is canceled, but hey, I finally got that bit of popcorn out of my teeth

Hit the send button on a tweet about the storm, and immediately lost power and internet

life lesson from spiderman 1: don't let people into elevators or they will kill your family

If the biggest mistake is not learning from your mistakes then I am the world's greatest mistakerer

the wizards just beat the best team in the league how the hell you gon fire flip??

made the mistake of going outside

i want a fortress of solitude

breaking news i just made the best club sandwich

Heart transplant but instead of a replacement heart you just use caffeine

#VoteOrShutTheHellUp

Sleeping on a friend's couch for lollapuzzoola. I am the Jeremy Lin of crosswords.

i'm having the angriest week ever and it's only monday