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I hate supposedly famous people, who think they are too famous to reply to my tweets. Thats how people get them selves stalked and killed.
I don't have a problem with being a cannibal, its just most of you don't look very edible.
In the dark, my step ladders looks very much like a man watching me. My mistake it is a man, so where the hell are my ladders?
it must be monday, 8 people unfollowed me and now i've been ordered to reprimand one of my staff for talking to his mum too much.
I'm not sure why i ate all that, i wasn't even hungry.
Anyway we need a new hamster.
So some one text my twice last night saying i'd broken their heart from a number i didn't know.
I really hope it was my boss
I'm not sure how this crisp got in my boxers, i haven't even had any crisp, But its not the first time my nuts have smelt of prawn coctail
Has anyone drowned in their own snot from a bad cold?
I thought the man in court was going to stab me today, i thought should i stab him first. in the end no one got stabbed.
It was boring
apparently halitosis is not a good enough reason to have the day off work!
The ikea furniture said it needed a hammer for construction. I found a beer glass works fine.
I hope my daughter doesn't grow up to be a victorian peasant.
i've just noticed i tend to wisper i love you to people who give me food. i'm sure its the food i'm talking to.
I ran over a pigeon today and now i'm sure i can hear its mangled bloody body slowy crawling to get me.
so whats the betting that once these riots have stopped, all the the riotters are going to complain they live in a burnt out shit hole!
alice cooper songs have taught me all i need to know about life.
isn't it for other people to describe you as funny? its like calling your self good looking, more often than not you havent a fucking clue!
I try to be a good husband, but sometimes she finds evidence.
Amputee dog porn.
Fish don't live very long in cherry coke.
True there is more than one way to skin a cat, but technically in the business we like to call it peeling a cat!