Are you there,God? It's me, the slightly delusional obsessive-compulsive paranoid schizophrenic whom you keep hitting "ignore" on your cell.

I only trust people who like big butts. They cannot lie.

I'm not worried about the Mayan calendar ending this year... I follow the calendar from Star Trek. It's stardate 65961.1 for me.

Bumper sticker: "When the Power of Love overcomes the Love of Power the World will Know Peace". I had no idea Huey Lewis was so influential.

When this baby hits 88 mph, you're gonna see some seriously fucking outrageous speeding fines.

While listening to Michael Damien's "Rock On", it occurs to me: the next generation will never experience the intoxication of the 2 Coreys.

I'm in a shitty mood so I am gonna have a grilled cheese & tomato soup. But first... can someone come over & bring bread, cheese, & soup?

Just saw a dude painting a fence so I yelled "Paint da fence. Up! Down! Up! Down!" because I like to keep things current.

I wish the mayhem in my life looked like that dude on the All State commercials.

Trying to get in shape... went ALL the way up to the top floor of the doctor's office on the elevator without being out of breath!

Asked my 6 yo did she wanna stick something in her belly real quick this a.m.- "no, I don't wanna see all that blood" & laughed her ass off.

@thefearboners Oooh, which Subway? Because I don't want to cross streams if you know what I mean.

Wonder if my followers know that I mean "follower" like "kool-aid drinkin', white Nike-wearin', secretly poisoning you" type of follower...

Hi, I'm Nick Meven. I mean, Neck Miven... Vick Mivens.... Holy shik, I'm shittered. I mean shickered. I give up #ShitMickNevenSays

Aaand it's GLENN with both hands tied behind his back!! Bout time we got to see @steveyeun in action! Sheer BADASSERY!!! #WalkingDead

Thx to @jess924 I am now free of the 666 curse. Thing is, I gotta be on my best behavior so I don't lose 1. Btw- y'all are all really sexy.

6 yo just blew her nose & the dog promptly snatched the tissue & ate it. Maybe eating kids' snot is like the Fountain of Youth for dogs...

Glad the election is over... now we can get back to tweeting about important stuff. #bacon #zombies #twittercliches

I am getting some weird looks while enjoying this latte... has no one in this Starbucks seen a latte beer hat before?

I call this "When Tattoos Attack!" No? How about "Multiple Personalitattoos"? http://t.co/aseuLTXc