The cops found pot on Willie Nelson's tour bus.

In other news, water is wet.

seems my get up and go just got up and went ... which saves me the trouble of violently beating it with a bat 'til it's unconscious

Who wears venison after Labor Day? I mean, really?

Remember: Whenever one door closes, another one opens- then comes the cavity search, orange jumpsuit, more doors & eventually prison sex.

I ran this morning and there was absolutely nothing chasing me. There is something fundamentally wrong with that.

You asked for a precision screwdriver, and I handed you a drink with the perfect vodka to orange juice ratio. I fail to see the problem.

i think i've just made the leap from barely adequate to solidly mediocre

I do less before 9AM than most people don't do all day.

You said "extend an olive branch to him", but you never specified that it couldn't be whittled to a sharp point and extended 23 times.

I deleted my Facebook acct months ago. People seemed upset that "Drinkin' beer & eatin' Cheetos® naked" was my only status update - ever.

Maybe I should become a monk? I've got the poverty and celibacy parts down. If I can just get some religion and shut the fuck up, I'm in.

PETA outraged by the display of "the decaying flesh of a tortured animal".
Isn't that a little harsh, PETA? After all, Cher is an icon.

she asked me to "ravage her like a jungle beast" - so I grabbed her by the throat, wedged her in a tree, & said I'd be back to eat her later

Sometimes words hit as hard as a fist ... particularly when said words are in the form of Scrabble tiles in a sock.

If this karma thing is true, I may be coming back as Courtney Love's thong.

Woke up with a stiff plank and no one to walk it.
Story of me miserable life.

"Do what you love, and you'll never work a day in your life" - No one will pay me to masturbate for 8hrs, so thanks for the false hope, dad.

The recession's not gone. It just moved into it's parents' basement.

I danced like no one was watching.

Apparently, that wasn't the case.

Court date pending

What emotional scab shall we pick today, kids? How about "you'll never live up to your parents' expectations"? oooh - it looks infected