i hate going to MC Hammer's house. He wont let me touch anything.

Google+ is like a gym membership.


Everyone signs up for it but never uses it.

How to give a great handjob.



Step 1: Use your mouth.

The iPhone is useless to an immature person like me I type "58008" into the calculator and turn it upside down, but the screen rights itself

I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance today.

By leaving the scene of the accident.

If you ever start taking life too seriously, just remember that we are talking monkeys on an organic spaceship flying through the universe.

I like my women how I like my whisky.

16 years old and full of coke!

Save your breath.

You'll need it for your inflatable girlfriend later on.

@cool_jesse

A seal walked into a club.


The end.

My girlfriend said I need to start using my money more sensibly.


So I paid her £50 to shut the fuck up.

Vegetarian: Ancient tribal slang for the village idiot who can't hunt, fish or ride.

I was gonna give my change to a homeless guy today, but his sign said "ONE DAY IT COULD BE YOU."So I held onto it, just in case he was right

Sad to hear that the inventor of the Doritos has died of nachoral causes.

'Doctor, doctor! I think I'm addicted to Twitter!''


"I'm not following you.'

For Sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold.

Should have just bought metal detector.

That Robben finish was PIPE!

I've just seen Kevin Webster working in his garage on a 14 year old escort.

“@cool_jesse: Check this out!”

I read that with an 80's rap sample voice...is that supposed to happen?

#confused.com

I fainted in the curry house when I heard REM had split up.


That's me in the korma.

“@tw1tt3rart: ╲╲╲╲╲┏━━━┓╱╱╱╱╱
╲┏━━━┻━━━┻━━━┓╱
╲┃╭━╮┏━━━┓╭━╮┃╱
╱┃┃╳┃┣◯━◯┫┃╳┃┃╲
╱┃╰━╯┣━━━┫╰━╯┃╲
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Turn it up!!