If you're watching Big Bang Theory, maybe you should CHANG the channel! #Community

I'd rather be effable than affable.

People with clones: how can you live with yourself?

When I'm the only one who retweets something, I feel all indie.

Remember the footprints on the beach thing? That wasn't me. But hey, remember the phone call with the heavy breathing?

The only thing new twitter needs is a mouseover display telling you whether someone follows you or not. And WHY.

Friended by an old crush: "No way!" When you see their profile picture: "Definitely no way."

I can never make fun of a housewife for "never missing her stories" because mine are damn cartoons.

humans will outlive spiders because we can be on fire longer

Mother, you do not "love Chromeo." Poser.

I wonder how many actors have shoved an Oscar up their ass?

See you next year! Seriously, go away for a year. I hate you.

Drinking. Thinking about blocking friends & family, making twitter my sexual playground.

"You see that Starbucks? Know what used to be there?" "An orange grove?" "No, a Burger King... you can see the original architecture."

My dreams are always about impossible stuff, like flying or breathing fire or quitting my job because I have another one lined up.

When I die, I'm going to wish I'd spent more time living. Specifically a longer time.

I'm not taking advice from someone named Kym.

Rap Game... of THRONES! hahaha

Just found this out: originally the post-credits scene for the Avengers was one where Nick Fury recruits the Avengers for the Avengers.

We're all hacks, you guys. High five.