if i owned a book store i'd make the "mystery" section really hard to find..

When I set my alarm clock for the morning, I feel like I'm signing a death sentence.

i remember that time i posed for a photo with a toaster....nothing happend but we stayed in touch..

haha I would create a band called "Various Artists" just to mess with peoples iPods

glad i'm flying today, i'm too drunk to drive

ffs! another bad landing comment i've remembered, "Was that a landing or did we get shot down?".. Thanks Cap, way to boost my self esteem...

Today's cloudy breakfast pic.twitter.com/smoBWNTz

i'm not speeding, officer. I'm just flying low

i think there is some correlation between Twitter going over capacity and Australia waking up :P

by the way, if my mother shows up, don't let her know i'm a pilot, she thinks I play piano in a whorehouse

I do my landings the same way I pick up women in a bar - smoothly.

having watched "Snakes on a plane" recently i've decided to attempt a remake - Beavers on a train

saw a bottle of aftershave on sale with a warning label "may burn skin"

freeballing judgement day is coming

OMG i think there's gonna be a fight outside my house! some blokes arguing! lemme get my popcorn!

just had a very interesting phone conversation, meant to be about work, but Star Wars was THE subject

i remember someone gave my last landing a 9..............on the Richter scale, bad times bad times..

i guess experience is a hard teacher - first comes the test, then the lesson

and on the seventh day God created orgasms

just to clarify, on touchdown when the airplane shouts "Retard" at me, it does not reflect my flying abilities