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The person you are in love with is 75% water.
You gotta hand it to short people.
(because they can't usually reach it...)
Fess up. The only reason any of you is still married is that you're afraid of keeping the kids full-time.
Don't cry over spilled milk. Now uncooked pasta noodles. That's something to cry over. Can't even sweep that shit.
My friend told me that times are so tough he heard that Exxon-Mobil is laying off 25 congressmen.
Does anyone elses toes look like they are from 10 different people's feet?
Oven mitts are not nearly as fire retardant as you'd think.
My milkshake drives everyone from the yard.
Is Pluto the gay planet?
If I lose to "paper" playing rock paper scissors; I punch 'em real hard with my "rock" & say "Oops, I thought your paper would protect you."
Saw a guy on the subway reading a book called "How to pick up women". When he got up to get off, I whispered to him "Lift with your legs".
Music is the closest thing to magic that mankind will ever achieve.
Twitter makes me feel like a fat girl in a beauty pageant.
I will flip through the entire TV channel lineup before I will watch 5 seconds of commercials.
Not too long now til my dad can braid his eyebrows into the hair growing out of his ears. Getting old is a science experiment monster movie.
I truly believe that only women should be allowed to vote on issues of abortion and birth control.
I'm taking the day off. And also: Does Twitter have a dental plan?
I'd be wary of any of the boys drawn to the yard by your milkshake.
"Can we just cuddle?" - Bitch, I don't need an other person to help me get blue balls!
Going to my first baby shower today. Hope I have enough coke and ecstasy to go around.
Divorced father, political outlaw, bisexual blasphemer, & worshiper of the Pillsbury Doughboy. Team #followback & team unfollowback. http://t.co/JpNyHgQh