What doesn't kill you makes you stronger but then it gets together with all the other things that almost killed you and kills you.

I hope my 8 year old son is smart enough to go to college, because he is a shitty bartender.

Febreze®: Because fuck cleaning the house.

Kill Jesus all you want if if you keep these Cadbury Creme eggs coming.

I'm sick of everybody making fun of my enormous penis.

Somebody just unfriended me on Facebook and I will not rest until I find out why the fuck I was on Facebook in the first place.

Banging the prom queen 23 years out of high school after she had three kids and two divorces still counts, right? Is there a weight limit?

18 years, 11 months and 17 days until I can retire. Wheeee.

Puking is your body's way of saying you had a good time.

I only missed the Mega Millions jackpot by six numbers.

STOP SNOWING GOD OR I WILL PUNCH SOME NUNS.

Thank God it's whatever day it is and I can finally drink this bottle of whiskey I bought five minutes ago.

Obligatory Ash Wednesday you've got some shit on your forehead tweet.

I want to slow down on my drinking, so I switched from 100 proof whiskey to 80 proof. If I drink 20% more, I barely notice the difference.

I hate the way your Facebook picture stares at me while I'm masturbating to it.

Judging from the other patrons reactions last night, the popularity of the Neutron Dance has plummeted since the last time I was at a club.

That's nothing a little styptic pencil and ten or twelve stitches won't fix.

Sorry I haven't been around for a few days. I was a little busy being totally fucking awesome IRL.

Where'd that weekend go? *vomits* Oh. Right.

Tonight on CSI: A cold Sunday morning. Two sparrows dead with multiple BB wounds. A fat man in pajamas claims he was "just trying to sleep".