Oh you said turn the clocks forward an hour? I thought you said do a bunch of heroin and show the neighbor's kids my johnson!

@deefizzy Damon, it's exactly what ruined YouTube for me. Remember when being a Youtuber was enjoyable, and the site was a COMMUNITY?

Just met Nicki Minaj! Ah nevermind, it's just a pool raft with hepatitis.

Just peed from five feet away into the urinal in a public bathroom, looked a guy in the eye and said, "I shoulda went pro."

Dashing blonde in my yoga class peers over at me. "What stinks?" she inquires. "Turkey chili farts," I whisper.

I really don't like what those Swiss gentleman are doing to their cheese.

Imagine before television when we had to look at fuckin trees and shit.

She can't get pregnant if you cum inside her mother

Remember Chumbawamba? Neither does my grandpa because he has FUCKING Alzheimer's, you insensitive jerks!

If I'm not tough then how can I do this?

*kicks pumpkin and breaks ankle

If you describe yourself as "scandalous" it couldn't be any more obvious that you've pleasured yourself with a frozen hotdog.

More people would play Twister if it was called "Farting in mouths and weird boners."

Dad just poured hot coffee on my bare chest. Or as he calls it, "bonding."

Who wants to have my baby? I need some Facebook likes.

Been stuck behind the same elderly couple on the mall stairs for six years now.

Doin some budgeting. The little girl in the wedding dress who smiles at me while I sleep may be out of a job.

"Ew, I hate sluts." - sluts

Nobody's the winner in a chili cook-off.

Anti-depressants aren't even necessary when you can picture a drunk nun riding a dragon.

Ideal first date: Fine wine and NO LOBSTERS WEARING TUXEDOS.