I made today's coffee using RedBull instead of water. I can see the photons coming at me from this monitor; they move like snowflakes.

NyQuil shooters at the cafeteria. I've done three already. My teeth are green and I can smell Time & Space.

No, this is not a yard sale. I'm just showing off the stuff I own. Just drink it all in, buddy. Yeah!

The best part of knowing a Zombie is that they will always love you for your mind.

From the best I can tell, Downton Abbey is a British period piece about animated GIFs.

When did the news just become advertising for bad ideas and fear-base decision making? We'll find out, right after Sports and Weather.

Motorola's Aphasia Marketing Introduces the Droid Razr MAXX HD Alpha Deluxe Sasquatch Phoenix Broadsword Sandwich Desire XTreme Turtle.

Anchorman 2? Great! Snorg Tees' supply of pop culture quotes was starting to get low.

The appropriate amount of outrage or elation you should feel in the Sexiest Man Alive decision is, "Oh, okay."

Tinnitus is actually your Guardian Angel playing a synth.

Dear Oprah. I have some crazy medical snake oil nonsense to peddle to housewives. How does your schedule look? Are you free?

My next book will be "How To Punch A Bison To Death". It's part How-To, part autobiography. #oprahBookClub

Too busy to wait for toast? Spray PAM on some croutons! #lifeHacker

For this meal, you shall refer to me as "Nom Nom Chompsky"

Dammit, these M&Ms are hard to peel today. Had to use the automatic peeler.

So we're done with Charlie Sheen, right? The dancing monkey entertained us, got his quarter and walked away, right?

Irony: People who demanded the iPhone have a higher quality camera now use Instagram.

Soylent Beige: It's made of boring people!

Yeah, I built an all-Flash portfolio site so I don't have to deal with organic searches and success.

Finding a good Tiki Mug shouldn't be this hard. Then again, I am in Canada.