I've got 99 problems and they all fall under the heading "To-Do List."

I get up in the morning and look down at my breasts, and know I can face the day!

Him- "If you quit smoking you'll live longer."
Me- "If you quit lecturing me YOU'LL live longer!"

Boys are stupid, and then they try to fuck you.

I'm sorry, but your taste in music makes my vagina invalid.

My knees are fucked, and not in the "I just gave a blow job" way.

My life may be indefinitely on hold, but at least the music is good.

I don’t know what happened to my twitter, but some of my favs got unfollowed…I guess that’s what I get for not star fucking for a week!

Blah, blah, blah
Saturday.
Blah, blah, blah
Headache
Blah, blah, blah
Bacon.

I have Cheetos stuck between my tits! How the Hell is your Friday night?!?

It may just be a little tragic that the only things I can't do with my feet are write and masturbate.

I think my go to response on FB to people counting down to Christmas will be "blow me!"

Eating a mushy banana has got to be ten times worse than trying to suck a limp dick.

If sitting on my couch in just a bra & shorts is wrong, then you don't need to look in the window as you walk by!

Am I really supposed to take a request for an "afternoon delight" seriously from someone who has cats as their profile pic?

Had to tell 9 there's nothing wrong with being a freak...good times!

Ah, being up early enough on a Saturday to see the ghetto walks of shame...

And no I can't give you bus fare.

I feel almost dirty scrolling thru Twitter while watching The Social Network.

Ever walk into a friend's house and wished you'd worn a HAZMAT suit?

Yup, welcome to my Saturday!

Reason #583 why I shouldn't clean: I bent over to get something out from under the couch, and now my tooth hurts.