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When I turned 27 the fast Super Mario music started playing.
sext: You say that the human body has 206 bones. I say let's make it 207.
sext: I'm riding my best tech deck around all of your most dangerous curves. My finger slips when I try to ollie your bush & we get it going
Let me slip into something a little more uncomfortable *puts on a thong made of wasps* hahaha does this make you hornet?
sext: you blow this coke off of my tit but whoops it's bisquick haha we are making pancakes sorry roped you into domestication
*makes perfect joke* ahhhh, yes. I made this so my Internet friends will release dopamine and feel better about life.
five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred haters
When you are 27 you just want to lay face down on the floor until someone gives you a career.
A spider just wrote "some pig" in a web next to my bed but I'm pretty sure it's in a mean way?
sext: when the snow melts and they find your body and your mother is crying I will just lay in the ground with you.
Sometimes I get depressed knowing I'll never see a dog running away with a rope of linked sausages in its mouth.
sext: we are rolling around in your twin bed. My back is covered in Dorito crumbs. My stomach is covered in Dorito crumbs. We are Doritos.
FOUR KORN AND SEVENDUST AGO
sext: you lay all of your cutest beanie babies out on the bed. We just fuck all over them. Sorry Legs sorry Crabby sorry Puffy sorry Cutey
*does the Roseanne laugh at a restaurant*
Kids, the thing is, your mom wants to kiss other dads and I want to kiss other moms and it's pretty much all your faults.
sext: we harvest some pebbles in your dad's backyard and we put them in your rock tumbler and everything is so smooth and new and I love you
sext: I flick my tongue on all your best spots. You can't really feel it because it's a tiny snake tongue I'm a snake and I'm just smelling.
sext: you remove your Bluetooth and put it on the nightstand. It beeps while you are in my mouth, but you ignore it. You are a business man.
Little baby. Sensual deviant. Kind of teacher. Dog party. Wrote a poem. Kissed you once.