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Sometimes when I'm bored I go around knocking Asian women's babies out of their arms yelling "WHOOPS DROPPED YOUR CALCULATOR!"
I bet in Somalia a kid has been like "I'm so hungry!" and another's like "Third world problem!" and they both laugh and die and stuff.
Apparently we fly flags at half staff for singers now. Don't worry, fallen soldiers still get mentioned in size 8 font in the newspaper.
Behind every chick who says she has a "stalker" is actually just a normal dude who is responding to her slutty texts.
Whenever I'm in a high-pressure situation, I think "What would Ke$ha do?" then I shotgun some heroin and pass out in a pile of glitter.
You'd be surprised how many people who are large are actually not in charge.
Porn really overestimates the amount of spitting necessary for intercourse.
Garbage bag commercials sure overestimate the amount of spaghetti people throw away.
My legs are so white they're talking about the traffic on their morning commute over a nice salmon dinner.
Heard models eat cotton balls dipped in orange juice when hungry. Don't have any, so using marshmallows and ranch. Can't wait to be skinny!
Correct me if I'm wrong, but devoting your life to hating Christianity is still devoting your life to Christianity.
I wonder if prostitutes have to claim their pay as "gross income."
I wanna be the asshole who yells "COOL STORY BRO" after the priest finishes speaking at Mass.
Some of you accept a ToTD like it's a god damn Grammy.
When I see a toddler wearing glasses, I automatically assume they can solve a long division problem faster than me.
By now, I've stopped calling it "sandwich" meat and started calling it "stand in front of the fridge and eat it out of the baggie" meat.
Come to America! Where our MILFs aren't legal to drink yet!
The guy in front of me at Starbuck's might as well have said "Can I have a venti mocha half soy half 1% no whip extra hot penis in my butt?"
If I ever wrote a letter to Lady GaGa, I'd probably start it with "Dear Sir or Madam."
Wouldn't it be messed up if we found out Rome was built in like 23.5 hours?