The first snow is like falling in love. Winter is like the rest of the relationship.

As usual, it was clear the hunky waiter wanted me.

A longtime companion is a witness to your life. Too bad mine had to go into a witness protection program.

All this time I thought "Carpe Diem" meant you spent the day carping until you got what you wanted. Kinda worked.

My magic incantation is: Shiraz!

It is such a cliché for youth to be so certain they will never be clichés.

I enjoy sex as much as the next guy...in fact, WITH the next guy.

You say I'm in a pickle, but what's the big dill?

First dates scare the shit out of me...which makes undressing for sex awkward.

Yes I know I'm in denial... that is why I need you to shut the fuck up

My boyfriend is amazing: kind, considerate and a great lover. And imaginary. So I can change him when I am bored.

Facebook changed my relationship status to "in a monastic order".

I am a little sick of this acceptance shit. Can I go back to denial or rage?

It seems like I always end up being the centre of tension.

If I tell you I am in recovery, it means recovery from my childhood, and I am using booze to do it.

My cat had a fatal accident. He accidentally spilled my last glass of wine.

I volunteer to help find my straight guy friends' G spots so they can have full-body orgasms. Goes for @tallerthanatree too.

Hasn't anyone thought of tapping orgasms as an alternative source of renewable energy? I am sure everyone would do their part.

The magistrate: implausible that Pistorius would shoot before discovering who was in the toilet, and Reeva would not call out. #pistorius

It is good to meditate while the sleeping pill kicks in.