RT @twoptwips: WANT to make money on Twitter? Go to SETTINGS > DEACTIVATE MY ACCOUNT > CONFIRM DEACTIVATION. And start working. /via @jonnot

when i think of white people, i think of Reese Witherspoon eating soup.

When i say i work nine to five, i meant five in the morning.

Siri, i think it's time for you to meet my parents...

Hey Apple, here's a million dollar idea: iPhone 6. Call me.

Every Bill Murray's line in any of his movie, is worthy of a WikiQuote entry.

@jenkirkman okay here goes nothing. I LOVE YOU John Kirkman!

@runwaygirl @flightblogger this is one of the best trip report i've seen so far: http://j.mp/gudGsu

The world is such a sexy place for a 14 year old boy.

my favorite kind of horse is Sarah Jessica Parker.

When Taylor Lautner says push ups are good for your looks, YOU DO IT!

Sometimes the scariest thing is a flight of stairs that you have to climb.

Hey you, with Steve Jobs on your phone wallpaper, too soon buddy, too soon.

"don't fuck with the fuck!" -angry drunk

If you think there's a bug inside your head and eating your brain, then it's going to starve.

whoever says 'touching will cost you' is probably a hooker. or a chinese ming vase.

only cowards carry knifes. real men use their fist or a gun.

It's amazing how many times you can sell your soul to the devil.

Someone told me to never make a promise when you're happy. 

re: marriage

Jesus, i think we should just be friends for now...