I've accepted every email offer I've ever received. My penis is now 225 feet long.

My magic watch says you don't have any pants on. Oh you do? It must be 15 minutes fast

Aculpocos didn't serve me chips and salsa. So I guess people can just do whatever the fuck they want now?

Trying to find the end of a new role of toilet paper is the most annoying thing

If I had one wish, I'd wish for more wishes...DUH

I always look at twitter while I'm brushing my teeth and I end up brushing my teeth for 15 minutes

I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them

@datrascaldakota is head and shoulders 2 in 1 soft

@datrascaldakota is freshly shaven legs soft

@m_schratz hahaha only for you tho

when my mom wipes my ass for me>>>>>