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Cool stance, DJs. You look like my mom talking on the phone while doing the dishes.
One time in '82, after a few rails and a bottle of whiskey, Bob Ross painted an angry little tree.
In my will, I'm giving $50 to anyone who wears a Scream costume to my funeral and doesn't say a word.
Somewhere in Mississippi, Brett Favre just texted his buds "3:00. muddy park. bring footballs, jeans. it's time."
The entire human experience can be found in the face of a child watching another kid open birthday presents.
Social media distracts us from reading books — which is a shame because there are probably a lot of good ones out there about social media.
Kim Jung-Il’s fat kid could win over everybody’s heart by changing the name of cookies over there to “koreos.”
There's always been something fishy about NASA. Like they accidentally killed God and don't know how to tell us.
He wouldn't have been so depressed if he was Edward Scissorhands Rollerskatesfeet.
My life coach has already warned me not to pour Gatorade on him should I pull off the upset.
I'm Frank Abagnale, Jr.
