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tom after he sleeps with a girl: "I'm so glad we did this"
titles of missed connections that May Or May Not Be About Me:
"Drag Racing w/ A Girl In A Honda,"
"Making Out Behind Dennys,"
"Shame On You"
I do not drink for "fun" i drink to experience the intense regret and shame that fills the next day
sorry im late. i was sitting in my parked car eating wendys
Zach and I are gonna get married if were not married at 30
i will pay someone $20 to listen to this voicemail and deal w it for me
If U Think I m Giving Up My Hot Pockets Ur dead Wrong
Im always scared someone is going to smash open my window but i think thats just projection because i would def do that if given the chance
i hope i get famous enough one day that tweets that are actually by me are signed w/ a cryptic "-hj"
Ask people what they order from mcdonalds and then go order the item and see what its like to be them
ok Not to brag but i am a lot like these olympic luge people. i too spend my life lying down while the world goes whizzing by
Seeking valentines date at popeyes chicken. in the subject line pls include the name of your favorite troll
One thing i learned @ college is my credit card number by heart
Some boy commented on a girls photo album "Still dreaming about what couldve been." Thats fucked up--you dont comment on the whole album!!!!
Roommates keep trying to invite me to do fun things and showing nice gestures but i just want to lay in bed. haha theyre the worst