Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
My idea of a "Popup Blocker" is really tight underpants.
I don't text and drive because I'm afraid of spilling my beer all over my phone and ruining it.
When an eel chews out your eye like a sweet piece of pie...
That's a moray.
Ran my hockey mouthguard through the wash by mistake. Hard to get pumped for a game now when my mouth tastes like Snuggle.
When I lose followers, I think of it is a weeding out the weak to make the herd stronger.
When people say "You don't give a shit!" I love to prove them wrong by taking a dump in a box and handing it to them.
Most celebrity names are fabricated. For example: Tom Cruise was originally born Thomas Cruisingformeninabathroomstall.
Made a giant penis out of lego today...
I'm carving a sexy woman into my pumpkin. It's gonna be my Jack Off Lantern.
I think a woman's "Period" should be called "Exclamation Point" instead.
My wife has a much lower alcohol tolerance these days. She barely lets me drink during the week.
My thoughts & prayers go out to all the victims of the earthquake tweets.
"I would totally hit that!"
Things an abusive husband would say.
When I think about meeting some of you in person, I am most afraid of you not being as fucked up as you appear on Twitter.
Fun joke for you ladies to play on your significant other: Stick a pair of plastic vampire teeth in your vagina. Fun!
"Hey young kids! Do lotsa drugs and get pregnant by having lots of promiscuous sex!"
Yeah, that's how I role model.
Stole a board game today...
because I'm a Risk taker.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression...
unless you commit Twittercide and come back as someone else.
A "Bee" is a stupid animal to name a spelling contest after. It should be called something like a Spelling Rhinocerous (sp?).
I am a man trapped inside the body of a female demon & one day if you're lucky I will be inside of you- WORSHIP ME!