My idea of a "Popup Blocker" is really tight underpants.

I don't text and drive because I'm afraid of spilling my beer all over my phone and ruining it.

When an eel chews out your eye like a sweet piece of pie...

That's a moray.

Ran my hockey mouthguard through the wash by mistake. Hard to get pumped for a game now when my mouth tastes like Snuggle.

When I lose followers, I think of it is a weeding out the weak to make the herd stronger.

Congrats @thesulk on your 50 ★ Tweet! That means one person in 3,000 of your 150k followers thought it was funny.

When people say "You don't give a shit!" I love to prove them wrong by taking a dump in a box and handing it to them.

Most celebrity names are fabricated. For example: Tom Cruise was originally born Thomas Cruisingformeninabathroomstall.

Made a giant penis out of lego today...

#cockblocks

I'm carving a sexy woman into my pumpkin. It's gonna be my Jack Off Lantern.

I think a woman's "Period" should be called "Exclamation Point" instead.

My wife has a much lower alcohol tolerance these days. She barely lets me drink during the week.

My thoughts & prayers go out to all the victims of the earthquake tweets.

"I would totally hit that!"

Things an abusive husband would say.

When I think about meeting some of you in person, I am most afraid of you not being as fucked up as you appear on Twitter.

Fun joke for you ladies to play on your significant other: Stick a pair of plastic vampire teeth in your vagina. Fun!

"Hey young kids! Do lotsa drugs and get pregnant by having lots of promiscuous sex!"

Yeah, that's how I role model.

Stole a board game today...

because I'm a Risk taker.

You never get a second chance to make a first impression...

unless you commit Twittercide and come back as someone else.

A "Bee" is a stupid animal to name a spelling contest after. It should be called something like a Spelling Rhinocerous (sp?).