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"You're watching 4. But there's no programmes to watch. We are running around like headless chickens" - Great voiceover man #channel4
I can't believe Santa died for our sins and every year on his birthday we force him to deliver presents to us.
If you've pissed me off this week then it's safe to say I've practised having an argument with you in the shower.
Next time someone says, "I, personally..." pinch their lips shut and whisper, "You had me at I".
People tweeting about how people are tweeting about people that tweet about snow are the new people that tweet about snow.
Girls that wear "natural make up" are just better liars.
Did anyone else just see a clown get arrested at New Street? :(
Eating wholegrain mustard out the jar is ok if you pretend it's caviar.
My 11-year-old self would deal with stubborn clients alot better than I do. She'd start every sentence with "NEWSFLASH!" or do a quack hand.
Sometimes when I talk about my "partner" I don't mention that she's my business partner, just to see if people think I could be a lesbian.
Sometimes thinking too much makes me go hysterical. Like wondering why time zones are all EXACTLY 1 HOUR APART WHAT THE HELL
Woke this morning to find I'd bought a ukulele in my sleep. No lie. Amazon should upgrade their security: "pinch your arm before proceeding"
Go home winter you're drunk.
One half of @TigerBamComms. I tell stories and draw things. Occasionally answer my phone when the Alarm goes off, thinking it's Alan.