Wizard of Oz is the ultimate chick flick. Two women trying to kill each other over shoes. Brilliant, really.

Wanna know who your real friends are? Fuck up and see who's still there.

Opinions are not like assholes. You can't stick anything in an opinion.

Yelling "Whore!" in a public place and watching 15 girls turn around is pretty awkward.

I dream of living in a world where chickens can cross the road without constantly having their motives questioned.

My sexual preference is often.

Lead me not into temptation.....Oh hell, follow me. I know a shortcut.

Everything is funnier when you're not allowed to laugh.

Drank a whole pot of coffee and then drank 3 Red Bulls. I can see noises.

Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who YOU are.

A clean house is a sign of no internet connection.

"I wanna fuck you so hard right now." "What!?!?" "Oh damn. Stupid auto-correct. I meant, 'hey'".

Do we really see our pets in Heaven? Cuz Carl Feathers was sort of a dick. And he didn't exactly die of natural causes..

One night 4 years ago, I did 17 straight shots of tequila in a row. I still have no recollection of that night, but I do have a 3 year old.

I think I'm pretty damn good at my jobs...being a mom, and being a bitch. They both come naturally.

Do what feels right. Fuck what other people think. You don't need an invitation to your own life.

Sometimes you just have to jump and build your wings on the way down.

Treat her like a lady give it to her like a pornstar. And by her, I mean me.

Just opened 2 cans of tuna and now my hands smell like I just fingered a dolphin.

I just learned that pleasing everyone is not easy, but pissing everybody off is easy and fun as fuck.