I quit drinking and drugs... now I'm just addicted to standing up really fast.

This just in... man eats 2 dozen pickled eggs, a pound of tiger meat and 18 beers and later shits out a congressman

"You want what? No. Fuck you." - My short-lived Customer Service career.

Is it just me or is Bono looking more like Robin Williams all the time?

The only joint pain I have is not having one.

"I Love Mondays!" - The person I just punched in the face.

Just watched a movie with Ashton Kutcher in it. In other words, I need my fucking head examined.

I like pouring out a packet of Splenda on my desk in a strait line just to get people talking.

I had to inform my FB friends that "Who let the dog's out" jokes are about 10 years fucking late.

I don't know who invented makeup for women, but after seeing Lady Ga-Ga without it, I think they should have given some kind of Nobel prize

Yes, I have regrets in my life, but not nearly what Al Pacino must have after he saw himself in "Jack & Jill".

I'd be more tolerant if everyone would just see things my way!

It's not a shopping trip until my wife flips off a family in a mini-van.

My wife told me she wasn't in the mood for shopping... After I came to...

Apparently calling sex "a good workout" is NOT romantic.

The last time I tried to just "be myself" I almost got submitted to a Mental Institute.

I want to be an anti-Chiropractor. When you come in I get to fuck up your neck and spine.

I want to punch Jason Segal in the kidneys. We get it, you're the loveable dipshit guy, now go fuck off.

I'm going to leave my footprint today, don't worry, not a carbon one, just my size 11 on a co-workers ass. (that sounded a little dirty)

Holy shit, my computer has so many viruses on it I have to wear rubber gloves when I use it now.