Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, being real gets you hated and bacon gets you bitches.

It's not gay if there's bacon.

I hate when people blame EpicMealTime for child obesity. That's the parent's fault. Put your kid on a leash and take them for a fuckin walk.

My favorite memories of 2012 was when we defeated the Mayans.

I'm a meat eater. I don't murder animals, I bury them...in my stomach.

"Let us drink like Dwarves, smoke like Wizards and party like Hobbits."

RT if you should be sleeping right now

RT if you didnt get enough sleep

A balanced diet is bacon in one hand and whiskey in the other.

I think 'Xbox One' is a bad name because I already have an Xbox One. I got it in 2001. It weighs 5,000lbs and has Halo:CE in it permanently.

Ok. Someone call the boner police immediately.

Bacon, I eat that.

Treat your women like your smartphone; touch them a lot.

Are you brushing your teeth with bourbon?
⚪yes ⚪no 🔘bitch i might be

Bitches love Nutella

My bacon budget is your rent.

Life is what happens to you while you're busy eating bacon.

I bite my popsicles. I ain't gay.

Maple Syrup: Canadian Salsa

Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Walk beside me and let's find some sluts to finger.