Dear teenagers tweeting "FML"- your life is going to get much, much worse when you grow up. So STFU. Sincerely, all adults.

Umm, people using your real names and checking in at actual locations, you realize the rest of us are crazy, right?

Hey 20 year old girls tweeting only about sex.... just get on the pole like normal bitches with daddy issues and shut the fuck up. Thanks.

20 yr old blonde with great legs and a snotty attitude just tripped and fell on her face. Hard. There is blood. This day is fucking perfect.

How old does my kid have to be before I can stop praising artwork that looks like a meth addict grabbed fingerpaints?

You aren't going to stop drinking, lose weight, or be kind in the new year. You will be a drunk, chunky, bitchy motherfucker forever

Ladies, if you've got a hot guy that buys you flowers, loves your hair, and never checks out other women, wake the fuck up cause he's gay.

Twitter must be so confusing for men. No way to be sure if you're dealing with a genuine whore or just an attention whore.

Listened to a hot girl talk for 10 minutes today, while thinking "how many poor bastards tolerate this for hours hoping for a blow job?"

Why do fuckers start twitter fights? Don't you have enough people that hate your stupid ass in real life?

Thanks to the bitch covered in glitter who sat in this chair before me, I look like Tinkerbell couldn't find a good route up my ass.

Holy shit, is it Lent already? You guys are so cute, giving up something like chocolate so you can pretend you're not going to hell.

I'm thinking of letting the 4 year old carry a knife. Gotta teach those other little bitches not to cut in line on the slide.

For a group that can't pass a drug test, you fuckers sure are angry at Lance Armstrong.

You know the moment when your spouse is talking, and you're thinking SHUT UP SHUT UP, and then you realize you are thinking out loud...

I see your "passed out on the bathroom floor" and raise you a "pissing in the closet."

"I can't get laid" tweets from women are scary. Hey ladies, here's a tip- walk into a bar. Even in sweatpants at 300 pounds, it'll work.

Fuck your "A" student with good manners, my spawn just drew a picture of her "bottom pooping" and asked to mail it to grandma.

I was gonna put on a costume and go to a party tonight, but I remembered that I have vodka and whiskey at home. And I fucking hate people.

Are you guys watching the debate again? Let me spoil the ending...they all get in the douche canoe and row into the sunset.