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@hateshimself's most faved Tweets...
hateshimself
i think the best place to murder somebody would be Home Depot.® scream 'help! somebody help me!' all ya want. no one's coming.
@hateshimself
hateshimself
the guy who doesn't use the turn signal and the guy who doesn't flush the urinal...it just hit me. same motion. SAME GUY. fuck you, dude.
@hateshimself
hateshimself
professional wrestling is REAL. Gay.
@hateshimself
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kambrockNihilDeNadaTrick_or_tweetHenryRepeaterreverendrossSaidSydLorisayssnackajaweaiamnotdiddytheacerbic1ThaozillakillaguhrillaFauxPapagunthergreenbluedream420preciousmarth
hateshimself
it's not my fault your $150,000 douchebag-mobile brushed up against my key. these things just happen.
@hateshimself
14
mcpcSaidSydknitterpleaseTrick_or_tweetkambrockreverendrosssnackajaweaiamnotdiddytheacerbic1killaguhrillabestgirlbettygunthergreenbluedream420preciousmarth
hateshimself
apparently, when asked by a female officer for your license and registration, "bitch please" is NOT an appropriate retort
@hateshimself
13
mcpcknitterpleaseTrick_or_tweetindecisiviouslyHenryRepeaterreverendrosssnackajaweaiamnotdiddytheacerbic1bestgirlbettygunthergreenbluedream420preciousmarth
hateshimself
just saw a jar of 'super colon cleanse' on a coworkers desk. what exactly is going on when 'regular' colon cleanse isn't doing the job
@hateshimself
12
theacerbic1SaidSydlonesomeaviaryHenryRepeaterreverendrosssnackajaweaThaozillaindecisiviouslygunthergreenbluedream420preciousmarthdcwilhite
hateshimself
if i spell it like this: "hate$him$elf," i automatically become a top-ten rapper on itunes
@hateshimself
11
afoolishwitLorisayskambrockindecisiviouslyhacopianhererbokkillaguhrillatoddmclainreverendrossbluedream420preciousmarth
hateshimself
now, i'm no expert. but i saw a girl at the gym with what appeared to be crotch sweat. that, or the stationary bike is one excellent lover.
@hateshimself
11
theacerbic1knitterpleaseMissMABCousinBrandonLaceyMarkdesertnursekillaguhrillaindecisiviouslyCinderellaJoeybluedream420preciousmarth
hateshimself
in the news today: "$7 sex on streets of Johannesburg ." damn you, inflation.
@hateshimself
11
apricoticaxrayedmanreverendrossLaceyMarkCinderellaJoeySaidSydindecisiviouslyiamnotdiddytheacerbic1bluedream420preciousmarth
hateshimself
evidently kidney stones are REALLY painful. i say we rename them "cockpits."
@hateshimself
10
desertnurseafoolishwitsnackajaweaiamnotdiddybestgirlbettyindecisiviouslyreverendrossSaidSydbluedream420preciousmarth
hateshimself
halloween makes for a natural porn scene: "well helllooo wonder woman. come on in! let me just put your sippy cup down over here."
@hateshimself
10
knitterpleaseAndyJukesCousinBrandonbestgirlbettyindecisiviouslyreverendrossgunthergreenbluedream420preciousmarthBettyLies
hateshimself
in the news: "bill clinton heads back to trail." "obama heads to bush country" pretty sure their itinararies got swapped
@hateshimself
10
xrayedmanCinderellaJoeyindecisiviouslyquirkyfossiltalks_in_mathssnackajaweatheacerbic1gunthergreenbluedream420preciousmarth
hateshimself
pessimist: shit, this sharp object up my ass really really hurts! optimist: look everyone, i found a unicorn!
@hateshimself
10
mcpcLiteralmnSaidSydindecisiviouslyreverendrosssnackajaweabestgirlbettyCinderellaJoeybluedream420preciousmarth
hateshimself
nutter butter: corporate code for smegma?
@hateshimself
8
jas508SaidSydStacy_TurnerSplits_McGeejoesmithreallyTrick_or_tweetbluedream420preciousmarth
hateshimself
actually, if there were an elephant in the room, i think i would talk about nothing else
@hateshimself
8
knitterpleasekambrockhighfiredangerindecisiviouslyiamnotdiddyFussySaffabluedream420preciousmarth
hateshimself
if a person named Jane Doe finds an unidentified body what does she call it? hey, it could happen
@hateshimself
8
rediscover_mejoesmithreallyafoolishwityuckyduckyritamartinikillaguhrillabluedream420preciousmarth
hateshimself
there's nothing that can't be improved by adding two girls making out. i mean, absolutely nothing.
@hateshimself
8
talks_in_mathstheacerbic1rediscover_meLaceyMarksnackajaweakillaguhrillabluedream420preciousmarth
hateshimself
me to my couples therapist: so should we stay married? her: mmm jury's out on that one. i pause and postdate her check
@hateshimself
8
LorisaysSaidSydtheacerbic1JohnnyChimpoHenryRepeaterbestgirlbettybluedream420preciousmarth
hateshimself
if anyone lost a stick, i think i just found it. lodged in the ass of an american airlines flight attendant.
@hateshimself
7
hacopianhereLaceyMarkkillaguhrillakambrocksnackajaweabluedream420preciousmarth
hateshimself
just got back from camping with the kids. i now see where jason vorhees was coming from
@hateshimself
7
k8zeezLorisaystalks_in_mathsindecisiviouslygunthergreenbluedream420preciousmarth
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