People who sodomize donkeys are fucking assholes.

"Cool, I love candles. What's with the knives? Wait, stop. Please stop!" - pumpkin

"Oh cool, a party! Wait, what?" --Pinata

My neighbor put up a sign that said "Please stop taking my newspaper." Now I have a newspaper and a sign.

Modern day camping is an uncharged phone.

Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.

You can't get pregnant if you see it coming.

Fat people with skinny legs, I'm fascinated. Tell me your story.

'Magic Mushroom' hallucinogen shows promise helping cancer patients FREAK THE FUCK OUT!

"ah fuck it!" - god, creating cauliflower

The first thing I do when I get a telemarketer call is say "Let's go off script. What are you wearing?"

Fuck your rules for what's acceptable for me to tweet and what's not. I WILL NOT BE STIFLED! Wait, is "fuck" too harsh? I can change it.

My leather biker jacket says I can kick your ass! My asthma enhaler says you got to give me a minute.

I don't tweet about people passive-aggressively.

But you know who you are.

"DON'T THROW THAT OUT! We'll find a use for it." --Oscar Mayer.

"You're driving me to drink!" - Me, to this cab driver

Deleting your side of our @ conversation makes me look like I've been eating paint chips.

When I help someone carry their groceries, I assume I'll get a tip. If not, I grab a bag and run! Let me start over. I steal groceries.

Sometimes when I'm at the bar I look around and think who are all these assholes here at 10AM on a Tuesday.

I'm more gentle with a sandwich containing avocado than I am with a baby.