I didn't buy anything from Amazon but it still recommends that i also buy a girlfriend and a job

Sitting here at home on twitter eating peanut butter cups has really made me think about how I forgot to pick mom up from the airport

I have a boom-box in my room and thats the closest I'll ever get to "blast from the past"

welcome to me, twitter

I just ran over a kid at the park!! hahahahahahahahah ok well I guess you had to be there

Does costco sell abortion clinics? I need like 7 of them

It's a full moon and citizens are worried about werewolves. Don't worry, citizens. They're with their families safe and sound

Even though elementary school is over, I still take field trips! (i take a bus to the liqour store)

can't believe they don't sell harlots at Forever 21

Sometimes when I'm feeling tired, I like to put my car on "autodrive" until my gf says "what are you fucking doing!?"

There really is no explanation for the word "totebag"

It's crazy to think that before we had phones, we had flying horse couriers

the twitter world is so big I see. lots of people i can follow. lots of tweets making my day. wonder if my boss knows i'm not at work.

NEW HOBBY IDEA: say "Justice will be done" as you enter the shower, knock over all the hair products then scream as loud as you fucking can.

Mitt Romney ironically reminds me of both my dads

Looking for a religion that will give me funnel cake every sunday

Applebee's is probably my favorite restuarant to reminisce over the death of my family in the car accident. also, best shirley temples