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One of my first tweets ever was announcing I was eating lunch at Subway. Do you think I'll still get in Heaven? I hate myself.
Sext: not wearing my retainer ;-)
Lady in front of me at the grocery store with the bananna clip is writing a check...I guess there's no news here.
Your profile sonogram pic makes you look fat.
I have a swimmer's body. A swimmer that has drowned and whose body hasn't been discovered.
Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy...but I'm pregnant, and its yours. Maybe.
Sext: want to see my c-section scar?
I discovered the perfect hair bun maker at CVS and now my husband is out back churning butter for me.
My twitter crush is my hubby! Wait, just confused Twitter with Facebook. My bad. It's some other dude.
Why doesn't my dvr stop where I f-ing tell it to? If I wanted to see the commercial before the show, I would have stopped there!
The high of tweeting the funniest shit ever, the low of being the only one who thinks so. If you weren't bipolar before, you are now.
I want to saw those sausages in your beach picture off with a butter knife, you fuck.
first Granny, now dust pan flute player? I'm about to give up. #AGT
Too early to put my 4 year old in bed for the night?