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One of my first tweets ever was announcing I was eating lunch at Subway. Do you think I'll still get in Heaven? I hate myself.
Lady in front of me at the grocery store with the bananna clip is writing a check...I guess there's no news here.
I have a swimmer's body. A swimmer that has drowned and whose body hasn't been discovered.
Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy...but I'm pregnant, and its yours. Maybe.
I discovered the perfect hair bun maker at CVS and now my husband is out back churning butter for me.
My twitter crush is my hubby! Wait, just confused Twitter with Facebook. My bad. It's some other dude.
Why doesn't my dvr stop where I f-ing tell it to? If I wanted to see the commercial before the show, I would have stopped there!
The high of tweeting the funniest shit ever, the low of being the only one who thinks so. If you weren't bipolar before, you are now.
I want to saw those sausages in your beach picture off with a butter knife, you fuck.
@elibraden just heard the Stern replay. "I think of you" thrown in that song...my sides hurt. You're awesome Eli!
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