I always burn the 1st pancake so his unborn brothers will know I am serious.

You wanna know a secret?

(amazing people exist)

(some of them are on twitter)

(sometimes they don't realize how amazing they are)

Seriously love my 4yr old. She just held up a picture of justin bieber and said, "mom, this girl's only a little bit pretty."

The best part about air drumming while driving, is using the brake as a bass pedal.

When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. Wait. What are you doing with a rope, crazy person?

"Jello, my friends, jello." -me, impersonating Neil Diamond and having a late night snack.

;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)





Sorry. Had an eyelash stuck to my eyeball.

Some of you aren't as excited about me following you as I am about following you.

So.....Internet life CAN be like real life.

"Red ants are evil. Black ants are cool. Also green ants are stupid." -my 4yr old, at the park.

How sure are we that every single Scorpions song isn't just a section of one ridiculously long Scorpions song?

When someone tries to talk to me by asking "what's your favorite color?" I turn my head slowly, stare at them and whisper "deeeeaaath."

Been on the computer all day. Found new funny tweeters to follow, had some follow me back. Life's good. Wait. Why does my soul feel empty?

Sometimes stalkers are just shy guys. Sometimes shy guys are serial killers. Sometimes nice guys are stalkers.

My head hurts.

I'm not saying my groove is off today, but NONE of my woodland creature friends showed up to help clean when I sang sweetly from the window.

Eve: Created from Adam's rib.
Extra chins: Created from Adam's McRib.

"We're going with Brazillion food tonight." ---HOW MANY FOODS IS THAT???

Where do I donate my kids to be used as weapons in the war on terrorism? They have amazing abilities when it comes to psychological warfare.

I'm on that HCG diet (Here Comes a Gorilla). Whenever you go to eat, a gorilla comes & rips your arms off. (It's an appetite suppressant.)

I have my own version of "planking", which involves a large board of wood used to hit people who think planking is "epic".

Worst thing about living around people is they think they can just knock on your door whenever they want.