just want to get married so i have the chance to throw a planner the guns n roses 'November rain' video and tell her to make it happen.

I dont trust people that have their shit together. fuck, I don't even trust people that brush their hair.

the two most beautiful words in the English language are: prescription refilled.

my g spot is in my throat.


but only when I eat nachos or drink champagne.

if you get back together with an ex it's not considered dating, it's more like a rematch.

it dawned on me while watching porn and folding laundry that I'm dead inside.

in my opinion, if you don't refer to your vagina as a gun holster then you don't deserve to have one.

show me a happy woman and I'll show you a miserable man.

I can't tell the difference from "for the win" and "fuck the world"

"if I were skinny I would wear a gold bikini and roller skates every day!" -me

I've been single for so long, the only reason I shave my legs anymore is the intense joy I feel laying in bed pretending to be a cricket.

i'm like mother theresa but pilled up and horny.

"yeah... I kind of want to work out... but, I kind of want to go home and wash my vagina."

and now i will tell you the story of my cocaine nose job...

dontcha wish your girlfriend was detached like me? dontcha!

no one will love you for exactly who you are.

i spend too much time wondering how liberating it would feel to punt a baby.

my therapist says i'm perfectly normal for an 18 year old boy.

I will bet anyone $100 that my vag tastes like dr pepper and rabies.

I'm going to asphyxiate you with my fallopian tubes.