I want my tombstone to read "He died as he lived: Only Once."

I'm surprised at how happy Twitter is considering we're a community exclusively composed of manic-depressives too far away to kiss eachother

Why do hot dogs come in packages of 8 when i'm only ever sad enough to eat six

I don't know if this'll show but here's a map of the united states I labelled from memory just before joining twitter: http://t.co/Ae8Cj2Hq

Twitter dot com is where you can meet a stranger and love them more after two weeks than you love almost anyone on earth

limousines have to be the funniest looking cars they must be very secure and emotionally confident to go out every day looking like that

I think the Double Entendre is the best kind of joke, but maybe that's just because I do it a lot.

I wish I had a car powered by loneliness so I could drive to where you are and get stranded there when it runs out of fuel

I DID ACID AND IT ENDED UP ON NPR

smh if your endgame on twitter is anything else than to become Friends With Everyone Cool On Here

go outside and stare at an apartment building. try to guess how many people inside are reading a book. guess how many are kissing.

"Follow me on twitter," I screamed at the passerby. "I'm a shitty person who hates the world but i'll fall hopelessly in love w/ you online"

DEAR HATERS. I APOLOGIZE FOR IGNORING YOU. I'M JUST LIVING MY LIFE. HAVE A GOOD AFTERNOON. NAMASTE.

#WorstFiftyShadesAudioBookNarrator Literally Anyone Willing To Read It

I wonder if they just think I'm full of childlike wonder and easygoing optimism or if they figured out I'm on acid yet

Sext: I dress up as Morrissey &we roleplay. You get too horny & sex me to death. To die by your thighs is such a heavenly way to die, though

Crust me your honor, I didn't Stale anything! I'm Bagelling you! Do I look like a common Crumbinal? -me, sentenced to10yrs in Ryekers Island

just want someone to kiss and sit around and hate society with

The number of the beast? Um, actually, pretty sure 666 is funny because it looks like a buncha people sleeping upside down and cuddling

I wish empathy came in vitamin form and we could put it in the water supply so people would fucking understand when they were being terrible