my dog just winked and I winked back, and that's when I realized I'll die alone

do you think aliens look down at us and watch us do the electric slide and think it's a mating ritual? because I do. EVERYDAY

Taylor swifts perfume has more followers than me on twitter if anybody is wondering how I've been lately

this is probably my most serious tweet in over a month, but nothing will ever suck more than your best friend breaking your heart

even though this world is a really scary place, sometimes good things happen and i think everyone should look at this  http://bit.ly/UiJ6YL 

"the right to bear arms is not as important as a child's right to grow up"

if I get mad it means I care, start to worry when I don't get mad anymore

YOU TWEETED THE WORD ASSCLOWN YOU IDIOT @sarahpalinusa

anyone who has ever said breaking up with someone you love is the hardest thing you'll ever do, has obviously never shaved their knees

I'm not handling it well that tomorrow is 12/12/12 and it's the last repetitive date I'll ever see

if this kid giving a speech in my class isn't a vampire, I'll be stunned

RT "@kimkardashian: I would totally vote Carly and Nicole if I went to RMU"

this is a crotch shot of the Eiffel tower “@fascinatingpics: Beautiful Paris. pic.twitter.com/hwaV2qKi”

what are words if you really don't mean them?

short people: the last to know when it rains, but the first to drown

just watched a girl back into a spot and then cheer for herself, you go girl

when beyonce and jay-z got engaged did he call her his feyonce?

if Britney Spears could make it through 2007, then I can make it through today

I saw your face and that's the last I've seen of my heart

every time someone writes 4/20 I just want to write 1/5* and reduce the fraction