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Confidence is knowing how to spell baba ghanouj.
I really don't like doing anything that doesn't have a thermometer looking thing telling me how far I am from finishing.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture's on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Arsenio's old posse died from natural causes.
When seducing a lady, never use generic brand Ritz crackers.
If I'm ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I'm Sandy and I lost $4300 on Nutrisystem!
Some days I still miss Circuit City, but then other days I do OK.
Instead of buying one of those $300 juicers I ate fruit.
How fucking boring was Eden that Eve was tempted by an apple?
Pistorius was able to get to his gun quickly because he kept it in his sock drawer.
I don't need to point out the little alligator on my shirt, do I Officer?
You're like a breath of fresh air, readily available everywhere for free.
Stevie Nicks wrote that song about the travails of dating a horse in the 70s.
Do they make an XBOX that looks like a shelf of well worn Michael Chabon and Jonathan Franzen books?
Chris Brown beats up women. Did I do that joke right? Doesn't sound funny.
Kids who tease other kids in school are CUM GUZZLING RETARDS.
Got to meet the Pope last year and, honestly, I found he had a real holier than thou attitude.
It's not like Christopher Columbus ate at Chick Fil A.
Reality TV producer. Mantelpiece Emmy-free. Credits: http://tinyurl.com/8vhuxuh