If I'm ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.

#ProudToBeAFanOf Tuck's Medicated Cooling Pads

Instead of buying one of those $300 juicers I ate fruit.

“What you’re hired for— is to help us… does that seem clear to you? To help us not to fuck us up." - Ricky Roma #SequesterMovieLines

How fucking boring was Eden that Eve was tempted by an apple?

Pistorius was able to get to his gun quickly because he kept it in his sock drawer.

I don't need to point out the little alligator on my shirt, do I Officer?

You're like a breath of fresh air, readily available everywhere for free.

Stevie Nicks wrote that song about the travails of dating a horse in the 70s.

Do they make an XBOX that looks like a shelf of well worn Michael Chabon and Jonathan Franzen books?

Chris Brown beats up women. Did I do that joke right? Doesn't sound funny.

Kids who tease other kids in school are CUM GUZZLING RETARDS.

Got to meet the Pope last year and, honestly, I found he had a real holier than thou attitude.

It's not like Christopher Columbus ate at Chick Fil A.

Black guys get away with having earrings and still looking cool, but white guys get away with crime so it's kinda a wash.

Get your shit together Adrien Brody or it's Law & Order for you.

Speed up, Lois, and hand me my camera! I just saw a Prius without a bumper sticker!

I'm Sandy and I lost $4300 on Nutrisystem!

Not giving a fuck is easy. Making zucchini bread is easy. Only one results in a delicious zucchini bread.

I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture's on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.