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Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
I've never gone down on a man, but I'm probably pretty amazing at it from all the times I've stopped soda fizz from overflowing.
Still haven't found the manly way to walk across ice.
Home is where the phone charger is.
OH YOU DO P90X THATS COOL I GET WINDED FROM BREATHING
I choke on food sometimes so someone will hold me.
Hope I'm never tortured, because I just pulled a hangnail off my finger and now this entire restaurant knows my pin number.
When I make a sharp turn with food on my passenger seat, I put my arm out to hold it still. So I'll be a great dad or probably just fat.
Single moms love me since I turned 30 because they can smell the steady paycheck and dwindling sex drive.
When I'm out girlfriend hunting I tend to forget how girls are heartless, cruel, jerks that smell like flowers and complete me entirely.
Quit not being the name of a wizard, Psoriasis.
Invented a cleanse yesterday where you eat anything you want and then you cry and nothing changes.
If you mean when my phone falls down the side of the seat while I'm driving, then yes I've had my heart broken.
“You’ve found an abandoned wagon with Mumford & Sons in it.” -Oregon Trail, 2012
Do mermaids get periods? Because sharks live near them.
Going to practice for New Years Eve tonight by having a shitty time for a few hours then not kissing anyone.
Just attempted to scratch in between my shoulder blades and now I teach yoga.
If you mean eating the leftover hardened crust from the pizza box next to my bed then yeah, I "do brunch"
Candy necklaces but with Xanax.
"Always a bridesmaid, never a bride!" -Women with gag reflexes
Comedian. I'm not nervous, it's just meat sweats.