I'm glad that we live in a world where you can show someone that they're no longer your friend by clicking a button.

People on twitter are just people. No one is better than anyone else. We're all in this shitstorm together.

My boss knows I'm bored when I reply to his emails with every letter in a different font, size and color. Also, I think I scare him.

The sound of kissing is so irritating when you're not one of the people being kissed.

Just had a "fuck yeah, I'm sexy." moment while shifting into third wearing glittery high heels.

You're an asshole if you aren't really an asshole but you act like one anyway.

Storm sex is the best sex

Sometimes when you're sad you just have to listen to Funky Cold Medina and not feel bad about knowing every word.

Throwing up blood is your body's way of saying, "keep on keepin on!" right?

Sunshine on my shoulders makes me... think I should put a shirt on.

I fucking hate you. #fourwordsbeforesex

Unfollowers are premature ejaculators.

I'm so commitment-phobic that my favorite ice cream is neapolitan

Retweets should be worth at least 2 stars

It's not that I don't want to get out of bed because I want to sleep more, I don't want to get out of bed because I have to put on pants.

For being someone who enjoys being single so much I sure think about guys a lot.

Fool me once, whatever. Fool me twice, you fucking suck.

I dedicate this bachelor's degree to Google.

Tweet one thing about Dr Pepper and now everyone thinks you like lotsa penises at once.

Meanwhile on Facebook, a lot of kids with fuckin backpacks on.