Did you get those pants on sale? Because at my house they'd be 100% off.

You remind me of my pinky toe because I know I'll eventually bang you on a table.

I'm glad that we live in a world where you can show someone that they're no longer your friend by clicking a button.

People on twitter are just people. No one is better than anyone else. We're all in this shitstorm together.

The sound of kissing is so irritating when you're not one of the people being kissed.

Just had a "fuck yeah, I'm sexy." moment while shifting into third wearing glittery high heels.

My boss knows I'm bored when I reply to his emails with every letter in a different font, size and color. Also, I think I scare him.

Sometimes when you're sad you just have to listen to Funky Cold Medina and not feel bad about knowing every word.

You're an asshole if you aren't really an asshole but you act like one anyway.

Storm sex is the best sex

Throwing up blood is your body's way of saying, "keep on keepin on!" right?

Sunshine on my shoulders makes me... think I should put a shirt on.

I fucking hate you. #fourwordsbeforesex

Unfollowers are premature ejaculators.

It's not that I don't want to get out of bed because I want to sleep more, I don't want to get out of bed because I have to put on pants.

I'm so commitment-phobic that my favorite ice cream is neapolitan

Retweets should be worth at least 2 stars

Tweet one thing about Dr Pepper and now everyone thinks you like lotsa penises at once.

HOMIES! I'm holding my glass with my mouth and boobs while im typing you this

Fool me once, whatever. Fool me twice, you fucking suck.