This is a hilarious joke format. Said no one ever.

@essjd who is it on?

@deltaassist I tried. Direct messaging isn't working. Other options?

@deltaassist the first 7am I thought I was on was cancelled and I missed the one I was rebooked to. Can you help me rebook?

@deltaassist 2 of my flights from cle to NYC were cancelled yesterday. I was rebooked to a 7am and switched without warning to a different 1

@essjd I don't wanna be there for that...awkwarrrrd....

@essjd That moment when I've finished my chocolate pizza and licked the cardboard sleeve clean but go in for 1 more lick? That's *my* m.o.p.

Enjoying @essjd 's moments of pizzazz

I didn't really mind when he offered to be my Buzz Lightyear but I draw the line at Justin Bieber wanting to see my body rock.

"Guacamole" comes from the Aztec term for testicle sauce. #yourewelcome

There should be a music genre called mid-'90s bowling alley

I don't think I could read 50 shades of grey without feeling the presence of all the sexed up aunts and moms who'd read it before me

Hey, people who are "humbled" due to winning a prestigious award or receiving overwhelmingly positive reviews. You're using it wrong.

Recognized Zooey's Anthropologie dress on New Girl and was equal parts proud and ashamed.

Wear the crazy-print pants you wish to see in the world.

I'm so onto you, company that gave me a $5 birthday gift certificate.

I briefly become Louie in the opening credits every time I exit the west 4th subway stop

Don't show me an adorable, pet-inappropriate rainforest animal and expect me not to say "aww I want one!"

Free topical food truck idea! Legitimate Arepas

Thank you, large muscular man listening to a techno remix of call me maybe on your iPod at a very healthy volume